Kick Ass Ian McKellen Moustair
Kellog’s Egg Mini Muffin Tops
Bites: 2/5
Packaging: 3/5
Feeling of being in a Seinfeld episode while eating them: 2/5
Review: I was kind of shocked when I ran across these in the supermarket, too incredible to be true. I am still wondering what came first the Seinfeld episode or the muffin-tops or maybe Kellogs were in cahoots with the Seinfeld marketing team and dreamt up this whole episode based upon muffin-tops. Or maybe it was just Larry David making fun of the whole concept. Wasting a whole muffin just because you just want the top.
The muffin tops themselves aren’t all that tasty, I mean its pretty difficult to fail with muffins tastewise, texture is a whole different story. It seems to me that they tried not to bake the muffins and then cut of the top but to bake the muffin tops directly, missing out on all that juicy taste that attaches itself to the top during the baking. So they are what you expect of frozen baked goods that are being reheated - the doughy taste of sugar, blueberry mixed with wheat. Bland.
Chef Gusto Mini Pepperoni Bagels
Bites: 1/2
Packaging: 3/5
Feeling of you living in America: 100% Hell Yeah!
Review: I first heard about pizza bagels when I watched Superbad. I felt an instant need to try it. And I did. And it really was big disappointment, doughy, fatty, and not very tasty. And I guess that is was America does really great making a lot of shit that in any other context would make absolutely no sense and raise it to the skies. I will never have the Chef’s pizza bagels again though. Sorry. But I love the commercial!
CAP’N CRUNCH’S - CRUNCH BERRIES
Bites: 0/5
Packaging: 5/5
Sugar-induced madness: Totally Bezerk.
Review: Trying to prove causality is often where the 60’s anthropologists and modern day politicians fail. Nevertheless the platitudes and anecdotes is a good conversation starter when enjoying a beer with your academia friends. Trying to tie together imperialistic wars fought to suck money out of the government and at the same time fooling the electorate, with sugar coated cereals is not that difficult. Most simply these wars can only be done when the population is high on something, be it fascism, religion or plain sugar coated cereals with the nutritional value of eating rock. If I was eating this for my morning breakfast I would also want to go bezerk, crunch Baghdad and talk about Democracy in the same sentence. It’s high octane explosives blended into a lethal cocktail.
Fortunately I spat it out after the first bite and left cereal box where it should belong in deep space. And then I shed a tear for every kid who ever had to eat this for breakfast.
GOLDEN BATCH CREAM WAFERS
Bites: 2/5
Packaging: 4/5
Incredible Purple Hulk Syndrome: None.
Review: Tasting less than air I was yawning in boredom as I downed a few. But it’s SUGAR FREE! Unfortunately the creators used recycled newspapers when creating this product so you won’t be enjoying these for your daily afternoon tea. Maybe more catching up on that sport section you missed out on. What I hoped was gonna happen after I had eaten these was turning into the incredible purple Hulk. That wish didn’t materialize unfortunately however the need to drink a big glass of water materialized quite quickly.
BARNUM’S ANIMAL CRACKERS
Bites: 3/5
Packaging: 5/5
Fooling kids to buy shit they don’t need: 5/5
Review: How cute is this package of crackers!? How would you not want to have in your possession, a box of these cute animals? When I was a child I wanted to, but I always ended up being disappointed by the crackers not looking exactly as you would imagine from the packaging wether it was Tom & Jerry or Popeye or circus animals, being more like thick blobs wearing a thin resemblance to the stuff on the package. Further on the taste of the crackers would be of some kind sweet crumbly buttery kind also a bit of a disappointment; not very soothing after having you hopes of bliss torn down. And you kind of regretted talking your mother into buying them, by arguing they had calcium or were low-fat, low-sugar or had every amino-acid ever discovered. And you know what; nothing’s changed.
McVities Hobnob’s
Bites: Like a pig.
Packaging: Boring.
Greasing your fingers: 4/5
Review: To tell the truth I ate these like a pig who’s not seen food in a week. I seriously must have downed six in a row or so. It was impossible to stop. Fortunately since most of it is oats I managed with out feeling completely stuffed. But I should have read the warning labels on their Uzbekistan website: “Being one of the most addictive in the McVitie’s range, these knobbly golden delights will leave you with just one difficult problem - to share or not to share?” Basically they are selling oats on crack. To add to the conspiracy McVities is British. Horror.
The package also mentioned something about a VIP club, where you can get McVities exclusive cups and other fun merchandise that will make you into a McVitie’s living advert. I am still at loss as to who joins a cookie VIP club. Unless yeah, you are on crack and want more of the good stuff.
SWEDISH FISH
BITES: All of them.
PACKAGE DESIGN: 3/5
TOOTH STICKYNESS: 5/5
REVIEW: My favourite candy sofar. It’s hilarious. Apart from being fat free and to be enjoyed as part of a healthy active lifestyle, you also look sexy eating them. They even got their own webpage, www.swedishfish.com, where you can find out about other candy such as Swedish Fish Aqualife and other cool stuff.
But it was to be good to be true. After having devoured the whole package of sweet tasting chewies I read on the packaging: Made in Canada. My world fell apart and I laid sobbing on my bed thinking about ways to promote my new all American brand: Norwegian Fish.
Olde Tyme Pretzels
Bites: 3/5
Packaging: 2/5
Dryness: 5/5
Review: Once upon a time in 1909 ol’ Harry Warehime started making pretzels, narcissistically believing that everyone would love his Old Tyme recipe, just because it was his. It’s a pretzel. As you read on the packaging more questions begin to pile up: why did he choose the name Snyder’s of Hanover for his company when he clearly isn’t named Snyder and which Oma’s old recipe did he rape to make these über-dry pretzels? There’s something something fishy going on in the state of Pennsylvania.
Now the actual pretzels don’t taste that much even warmed up. They are just dry and salty. Probably ol’ Warehime figured no one in a America had tasted a real pretzel before. The packaging is nice even though they could have chosen a less more brown color and a more papery design than plastic.
